The loss of a child is unlike anything else a couple will go through- its a sadness that goes beyond normal grief..And It will test your faith, the very foundation of who you are as a person, your close relationships to those around you- your sheer will to simply accomplish even the smallest of feats honestly...I have come a long way from those dark days, but today is proving difficult for me..Why, I don’t know..I thought that after a significant amount of time, it would be easier- that the deep burden of loss I was weighed down by, wouldn’t have such a significant pull anymore...I was naïve in that belief I guess...
I look at Elizabeth, see her beautiful smile and I hear her sweet laughter....and Lord, I am so thankful to you for giving her to us, and I’m so blessed that she is healthy! With a devastating gloomy 2% chance of living, and all the scary ups and down we went through, waiting to see if our baby girl would come out of the danger zone she seemed to hover in and out of- its simply a miracle that now she’s walking, and running, learning- THRIVING!
So I don’t want to sound selfish or unappreciative, because we are lucky enough to have had one surviving twin, when some parents lose both...but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Addison..And there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of the what ifs...what if she would have overcome some of the medical challenges that the Doctors said she wouldn’t....What if her brain bleed had cured itself on its own like Elizabeth’s had...What if I had been able to carry them longer...What if she wasn’t born breech...what if this, what if that...So many what ifs- I’m plagued by them!
Addison may have only lived 3 weeks but I can still recall every single vivid detail about her angelic face...I remember the feel of her small body in my arms on the day we took her off oxygen- the little pink with white polka dots preemie size sleeper she was wearing, the hand crocheted white beanie covering her dark hair...her sweet bow shaped lips...The plush pink minky blanket I had made just for her...
That was the hardest day of my life...Knowing I was losing one child, holding her as the last of her breath left her little body, surrounded by our family and closet friends- all while her sister was fighting for her life in the next room...Nothing can prepare you for the wide range of emotions you experience...I thought I was a strong woman, one who could handle any hardship thrown my way, but on that day- a day where time stood still, strong I was not....I was ripped of my strength, adrift in my grief, sinking- and I thank you Lord for the man you blessed me with as my husband, because without his love and encouragement, I would have drowned...
Addison Renee...how Mommy misses you..But we know you're watching over your sissy, her guardian angel, and over us as well..You may not be here in body, but you're here in spirit, and with us in everything we do..You will forever live on in our hearts...
